Call Me Original: New Years Resolutions

It's New Years Eve so I'm going full on originality here and listing my New Years resolutions. I've never actually made any sort of resolution because of a new year before, but hey, why not start?

Truthfully, I'm making this list because, since becoming a mother, I've felt a little unorganized and (let's be honest here) lazy. Finding purpose in my day to day life is difficult. When I lay my head down every night and I realize I didn't change out of my pajamas or brush my hair, I feel a little useless. I know I work my behind off all day taking care of Cana, but I think every stay at home mother understands that you need a little something else to make you feel like you're a productive member of society (like perhaps actually going out into society for once). Being a mother is rewarding and such a blessing, but holding a baby while watching the Kardashians for hours a day (don't you dare judge me... We all have lows!) doesn't fulfill me. And it shouldn't! So in 2015, I'm making it a point to use my motherhood in a purposeful way. And make sure I find myself laying my head down each night feeling joyful, tired and full. Not lazy, tired and bored. 

So here is my list of resolutions:

I WILL NOT turn on the TV during Cana's first nap of the day. Instead I will pray and read some of the many books we have on our shelves. 

I will stop comparing my mothering to the Pinterest articles and mom bloggers idea of mothering. 

I will stop comparing my baby to the text book perfect baby everyone thinks you can force babies to be. It can't happen. It won't happen. It shouldn't happen.

I will aim to let my husband do more when it comes to parenting, and not stand over his shoulder while he's doing it. He knows how to be a daddy, and he does an amazing job of doing it.

I will take Cana for a walk at least every other day and try to play with her outside more often.

I will take Cana to daily Mass on Wednesdays.

I will take time once a month to go out without Cana and Frankie. I'll do something for myself, hangout with friends or just go for a walk. I need to allow myself to be alone and not feel guilty for it.

I will (try) to help my daughter sleep better on her own. But I also need to understand that it might take some time... She's little and is learning. Give her time, mama. 

I will make more of an effort to pray with my husband at dinner each night. It's so easy to forget prayer and to just complain about our days. That only leads to more stress. Prayer needs to come first!

I will make time for my husband and I to get away and talk. And I won't stress or talk about Cana. He needs his wife, not just the mother of his child. 

There it is. The first resolution list I've ever made. It feels daunting, but very practical. And I know it will leave me feeling more purposeful at the end of each day. 

Saint Therese, pray for me!

Month Three

Cana Marie, you've given us a run for our money this month. Just when we thought we had you figured out, you decide to change everything up. This was one of the most difficult months if my life, but some how, also one of the most amazing. You have the strange ability to make that possible. 

Here's a recap of month three:

You were sleeping for six hours a night... Were. Now you find it hard to sleep more than three hours straight but on most nights you stir every hour.

You were sleeping on your own in your bassinet or swing all night... Were. Now you refuse to be put down while you sleep. 

As noted above, you've become a very light sleeper because of your growing curiosity and desire to soak every bit of this world in. It's great to see you so curious, but I know it's exhausting for you.

Your daddy and I have cried many times thinking we did something to mess you up. We've thought you were sick ten thousand times. And then we always realized that you're just a baby. 

No matter how stressful our days or nights, you always seem to smile through it. Thus making us smile and realize how lucky we are to have these nights and days with you. 

You have started putting all the things on earth in your mouth. Especially fingers. Any fingers will do. 

Despite putting things in your mouth, you still can't quite replace your pacifier. I'm praying for that day to come. 

You've become a master (supported) sitter. You love sitting up but can't get there without help. However, you are building quite the six pack under your tub-o-belly from all the crunches you do while trying to sit. 

You've out grown your swaddle blankets so we bought you a boy one that's bigger. Sorry.

You started laughing at strangers in the grocery store. It's adorable but for some reason people think that means they can touch you now. NO!!!

You stayed awake for an entire Mass last week! And you did great! 

We went to the zoo for the first time and second time this month. I think you like the elephants and giraffes best (because those are the few animals you were awake to see). 

Your first thanksgiving was delicious. I hope you enjoyed all the yummy food I ate and transmitted to you. Especially your grandma MJs pumpkin pie!

It snowed for the first time in your post-womb-life. You hated it. I did too.

We completed a whole month in cloth diapers! We still use disposables at night (because you sleep horribly...) and when we leave the house for more than a few hours, but hopefully soon we will be exclusively cloth! I love your cute bum in them!

Stats:

We haven't had a doctors appointment in a month but I weighed you and you're close to 16 pounds... Yup. That's a whole lot of chunk! You eat every 3-4 hours during the day for only about 5-10 minutes, so I don't know where you're getting the fat from. 

I assume you've grown height wise too. Of course. You're just huge. And I love it.

Some of my favorite photos:

Grace

Today, I need it. 

I need grace to wake up every half hour in the night.

I need grace to watch my husband sleep peacefully and not feel resentful.

I need grace to do laundry with one hand.

I need grace to eat my breakfast over a two hour period of time.

I need grace to continually replace a pacifier in a fussy baby's mouth.

I need grace to not cry every time the baby monitor lights up.

I need grace to turn off the trashy tv and make time for prayer.

I need grace to brush my teeth and be ok with wearing yoga pants all day.

It is only 11am and I've needed a heaping load of grace already. I know even more is needed to get me to bed time. 

So today, I am thankful. Oh so incredibly thankful for my God who heaps His perfect grace into my mess of a heart on days like today.

Amen.

Thank You, O God...

This morning as I reflected on the Gospel, I began to think of all the things I am thankful for, but haven't presented my thanks to God for them. The list is long, my friends! 

Sometimes I feel like the other nine lepers that didn't return to Jesus after he healed them. It seems I am only like the tenth leper when something huge happens in my life. And that's not ok. 

I love this meditation by Saint Faustina Kowalska reflecting on this verse from today's Gospel:

"He fell at the feet of Jesus and thanked him" (Luke 17: 11-19)

"Thank you, O God, for all the graces Which unceasingly you lavish upon me, Graces which enlighten me with the brilliance of the sun, For by them you show me the sure way. Thank you, O Lord, for creating me, For calling me into being from nothingness, For imprinting your divinity on my soul, The work of sheer merciful love. Thank you, O God, for Holy Baptism Which engrafted me into your family, A gift great beyond all thought or expression Which transforms my soul. Thank you, O Lord, for Holy Confession, For that inexhaustible spring of great mercy, For that inconceivable fountain of graces In which sin-tainted souls become purified. Thank you, O Jesus, for Holy Communion In which you give us yourself. I feel your Heart beating within my breast As you cause your divine life to unfold within me. Thank you, O Holy Spirit, for the Sacrament of Confirmation, Which dubs me your knight And gives strength to my soul at each moment, Protecting me from evil… Thank You, O Lord, for the Sacrament of Anointing Which, in my final moments, will give me strength; My help in battle, my guide to salvation, Fortifying my soul till we rejoice forever. Thank you, O God, for all the inspirations That your goodness lavishes upon me, For the interior lights given my soul, Which the heart sense but words cannot express. Thank you, O Holy Trinity, for the vastness of the graces Which you have lavished on me unceasingly through life. My gratitude will intensify as the eternal dawn rises, When, for the first time, I sing to your glory."

So today, despite the snow and cold and dreading the thought of taking Cana out into the mess, I am dwelling instead of the many things I am thankful for. They far outweigh the bad!

Month Two

Two short/long months with you! I can't believe how different you are every single day and how different you have made me.

Here's a recap of month two:

You now love the swaddle (actually you hate it still but sleep very well once you accept what you cannot change)!

You lick all the things! Hands taste the best apparently!

You're sleeping 6 hours straight, which is heavenly! But your naps aren't as awesome. Not quite hellish though. Purgatory, perhaps?

You laugh at Jesus any time you get a glimpse of him on the cross. Daddy calls you a little mystic. One more reason you will never date: you already love Jesus! 

You got baptized! Nough said!

Your desire to sit up and/or face outward at all times is the funniest thing. I love watching you take everything in with your gorgeous blue eyes. 

Mommy put all your newborn clothes away... It's pretty sad. But at the same time, I'm loving all the new outfits she gets to wear! 

When I asked daddy what else you learned this month he called your name, you laid there unphased, and he said, "well she didn't learn what her name is..." Ha.ha.ha.

You were diagnosed with some intense reflux. But with the help of some meds we officially have you sleeping flat on your back now! Thank you Dr. G!

You love to unknowingly bat at toys hanging in front of your face. Sometimes you even hold them. Again, unknowingly. However, Sophie the Giraffe is your unofficial BFF. Her squeaks make you laugh almost as much as Jesus. 

You celebrated your first Halloween by going to daddy's school dressed as sully and getting chipotle for dinner dressed as a burrito. Well done!

You had some gnarly body rashes but with some diet changes by mommy it cleared up and now we just make sure your skin stays extra moist with  the help of coconut oil. (Which makes me want to constantly sniff you...)

Annnnd here are your 2 month stats:

Weight: 13lbs 3oz! Yep, that's the 95th percentile, my dear chubster. I can only imagine what you'd weigh if you didn't have reflux! 

Height: 23in. 75th percentile. It's safe to say your dreams of being a ballerina are shattered. Sorry not sorry.

Head size: 50th percentile. At least one thing about you is average! But really, who cares about being normal anyway?!

You got your first set of shots and cried right along your oh so (not) brave mama. 

In other news: 

I love you. More and more each day. You've changed me and grown me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Thank you. Thank you so so much. That's all I can muster to say in prayer each day. Thank you. And thank God! Amen. 

A few of my favorite photos:

Sleeping Like a Baby

"Sleep like a baby" is not what it seems. We use the term to mean sleeping well. In fact, it should be used to mean sleeping horribly. And never easily. 

I shouldn't complain and this isn't a woe is me blog post, trust me! Honestly, Cana has made me a very happy mama lately because she is finally sleeping through the night! She goes to bed at 8pm, wakes at 2 to eat and sleeps again until about 5:30-6:30! I have no complaints! 

Although I have a champion night sleeper, my daytime sleeper has become a big fat loser! We e been doing babywise for the last month or so, with an 8am wake up time. It went great for the first few weeks, but since Cana's started sleeping longer at night, she's moved her wake up time to 6am instead of 8... Not that fun, but I can handle it. What I struggle with is that her naps have been a major struggle lately!

Naps have become short and she requires me to rock her to sleep for like a half hour before I can put her down. When her nap is barely an hour, that gives me very little time to do anything... 

So... Today I tried what all the internet moms forbid: cry it out. Dun dun duuuuuun....

Cry it out is what it sounds like, you let your baby cry instead of rushing in to comfort them. There are many (strong and insane) opinions about it but there are also many different methods. I decided to put Cana to sleep like normal (swaddled and rocked to sleep) but when she stirred and woke up, I would just pat her belly and try to calm her without picking her up. Once she calmed I would leave the room with her still awake and not go back in for 3 minutes if she cried again. 

Well, I gave it the good ole college try but eventually caved after about five minutes. And now my spoiled girl is asleep in my arms... Ha.ha.

Internet mom opinions and my lack of bravery aside, I think we will eventually have to put this method to use. But for now, I'll rock my girl like a wagon wheel (whatever that means) and dream of the day she will sleep on her own. And when that day comes, I'll dramatically miss these days of rocking her to sleep. 

Thus is mom life. 

Soak it all in, Erika. She'll be in college before you know it. 

Child Like Joy

The last few days have been a whirlwind when it comes to my personal prayer and my family's prayer. God has definitely called us to a deeper spiritual life after a bit of a hiatus due to the crazy transition into parenthood. 

One thing I've been praying a lot into is child-like faith and joy (Obviously, because I spend my entire day with a child). Cana has recently learned to laugh and it's the most joyful thing I may have ever witnessed. Even better though, is that she will instantly laugh when she sees a crucifix. Yep. You can make all the funny faces and silly sounds in the world and mayyyybe get a giggle, but place Jesus on the cross in her gaze and you've got the happiest babe in the land. 

This morning, while I was doing morning prayer with Cana on my lap, I noticed she was laughing at the crucifix above our bed (like she does every morning after breakfast). I started thinking about her joy and what it means in a relationship with Christ. 

Multiple times in the Gospel, Jesus mentions children and His love for them. We learn that we must rely on Christ like a child relies on their mother and that Heaven is a place of children. A place of child-like joy and faith. 

My daughter has that Heavenly joy and faith. Although, she is barely two months old, her little baptized heart knows where her joy stems from. She knows love when she sees it! And as a mother, I couldn't be more proud and inspired. 

From the moment I found out I was pregant, this little girl has been teaching me and guiding me toward holiness (possibly more than I've done for her) and her daily jokes with Jesus are continuing to show me the path to Heaven. 

Motherhood is hard, but it's also hilarious. Thanks, Cana Marie!

Coffee Table Contents

The other day I thought about getting rid of our coffee table to make more room for Cana to play on the floor. However, I quickly realized how much stuff our little table holds (not coffee). 

So here is a glimpse of all of the incredibly important stuff contained on our coffee table!

-Vaseline (correction: petroleum jelly. We can't afford brand names) for Cana's insanely dry facial skin.

-Sophie the Giraffe! Cana's favorite licking apparatus.

-Video monitor for baby spying.

-20% off Babies R Us coupon (that won't be used. Because Target has it all for way less moola).

-Coasters. Who uses these? Answer: fancy people. AKA: not the Xaviers! 

-NFP how to book. Nine months of no charting makes you forget the three months of classes you took to learn the stuff. Maybe we need a refresher course...

-Bible and journal, belonging to my spouse. I love coming out each morning and seeing them in a new spot on the table. 

-Baby Chapstick that this baby-mama uses. It's like magic on your lips! Must purchase more.

-Not one. Not two. But THREE pacifiers. Seriously, they're all needed.

-Annnnnd dust. Lots of dust. Thanks, black ikea table...

Clearly, the coffee table isn't going anywhere any time soon. It houses far too much important stuff. I don't think we'd survive without it. 

Sacrificial Suffering

Today is the first feast day for Pope Saint John Paul II (or is it St. Pope JPII or JPII St. Pope or JP St. Pope II?). And I've been reflecting all day, because it takes that long these days to do anything, on his life and especially the last few years of it and his death...

I remember watching video of JPIIs last days. He could hardly function and looked utterly exhausted all of the time. Why didn't he relax more? Why did he still run his normal schedule of papal audiences? Why didn't he just lay in bed like he probably desperately wanted to? Why?

Because without sacrifice, suffering is nothing more than an execution. 

John Paul II did something so great throughout his entire papacy: he showed us how to give until there was nothing left to give. He showed us all how to embrace our priestly call as baptized Christians. It's easy to forget we were baptized as priest, prophet and king. And if we do embrace those roles, it seems easiest to live as King and even prophet, but for me at least, it's hard to live out my priestly role. 

JPII teaches us a simple way to live it out though. Sacrifice through suffering. 

You see if Christ didn't willing offer himself up to suffer on the cross, it wouldn't mean redemption and salvation, it would be nothing more than an execution. It'd be pointless. Christ was not only a victim, but a redeemer. That's the call of priesthood. To make our suffering meaningful and purposeful. 

Motherhood has made me focus a lot on my own suffering, and more importantly my ability and need to sacrifice. My daughter and my husband need me a lot these days. And honestly, it's exhausting. Very often, I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day, throw out the to do list and hand off my responsibilities to someone else. But I don't. I can't. Why?

Because without sacrifice, my suffering is nothing more than an execution. 

If I let my suffering consume me, if I cave under the weight of my stress and exhaustion, it means nothing. Nothing but defeat.

So tonight as I listen to my crying daughter being rocked by my exhausted husband and I feel tempted to ignore his silent plea for help, I will choose to sacrifice. To make my exhaustion meaningful. To make my sore shoulders a place for my spouse to rest his burdens. To make my tired eyes open wide and see what a blessing my little sufferings are to my family. 

St. Pope JPII, pray for us!

Love Notes: Week 3

Monday October 13, 2014

After a busy weekend full of family and Baptism, Cana and I enjoyed a silent day at home. We slept in, snuggled in bed way to long and wore pajamas all day. If only daddy could have stayed home with us too. But he definitely got in his snuggles with Cane at night!

We also got some new Flip Cloth Diapers in the mail today! We will be starting cloth soon and I couldn't be more excited! 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

If you know me, you know I love a good deal. So much so, I can't remember the last time I purchased a piece of clothing that wasn't on sale or clearance. I typically don't do thrift stores or Ross type places, I'm just really good at finding deals on target sale racks and such. Today, Cana and I scored some awesome deals at a second hand shop called My Kids Closet! Not to brag but I got Cana a pair of sweats, a onesie, sun hat and pacifier clip all for $2.50! Major win! Since the shop is next to Cana's doctor, I foresee many trips inside!

Wednesday October 15, 2014

Another day of deals! I took the girl to Old Navy and got myself some clothes. Apparently, breastfeeding doesn't shed all your prego weight right away and since all my maternity clothes are for summer, I need to buy some (larger) fall clothes until I can fit in my pre-babe pants... Not fun, but getting cheap clothes makes it better. I got a pair of linen pants for $7 and two tops for $8 each! I'm such a pro. 

We also had Frankie's old roommate, Travis over for dinner! I remember the first time he held a baby, two years ago! He didn't forget how to do it because he did great with Cana! Haha

Thursday October 16, 2014

My advanced child decided to roll over again (for the fifth time) today! She's getting stronger by the day and it's scary. Slow down, woman!

Friday October 17, 2014

Today Frankie had conferences at work and was home by noon! Seriously, such a gift! We decided to take advantage of the day and grabbed lunch and spent some good awake time with daddy! 

Later, we went on a movie date while Cana was babysat by her aunt, uncle and grandma (it takes a village)! We are so blessed to have so many family members who love our girl! Again, I was nervous to leave her and missed her like whoa! But... One on one time with my spouse is a rare thing these days and I cherished every minute! Plus, Gone Girl... Dude... So.messed.up. 

Looks like Cane had a blast with her uncle JC, Aunty Coley and Grandma MJ, though!

Saturday October 18, 2014

Today was hard... We've officially been introduced to the six week growth spurt and when you combine it with increasingly bad reflux... You get a bad bad day. And a tired, cranky baby. And a crying, defeated mama. But you also get a very loving and supportive husband who sees your stress and suggests a trip to confession and some good prayer time. What a guy, huh? A good Sacrament is just what I needed after a highly stressful morning. Praise God for confession and praise God for husbands. Amen? Amen. 

Sunday October 19, 2014

Cana's first trip to Greeley post-womb was today! We celebrated sweet AvaMarie's second birthday! Cana enjoyed her first party and meeting all her mommy and daddy's Greeley friends! She told me to make sure I decorate her first birthday as well as Raquel did for AvaMarie's... Fair warning little girl: your entire nursery was mainly created by Raquel, so don't expect much from your mama. Lol

Also... 509!!!! Cana and I could sleep easy knowing we saw Peyton get #509, so we went straight to bed! And joyful, joyful, the babe actually slept a few hours!!! Thank you Peyton!