He knows my heart

Yesterday, I gave up.

I sat in the living room at 10 o'clock at night, holding a squirming child and I was gone. I was totally frozen. Four months of stress, lack of sleep and a high needs baby (read the link, it's a perfect description of Cana) led to me just giving up. I couldn't rock her. I couldn't play with her. I couldn't talk to my poor, confused husband... I couldn't even cry. 

It was scary. I've never really shut down that way before.

As I finally went to bed, I mustered out a vocal prayer, "Please, God. Please."

Today was so different. I woke up not knowing how to feel, but my little lady was all smiles, so it was hard to not feel instant joy. Then she slept. For two and a half hours, peacefully in my arms. That sounds horrible to some people, but with my girl, I don't care where she sleeps as long as she does for more than a few minutes! 

After her nap, I knew I needed to go to Mass. We needed it. And praise God we went. 

"Do not harden your heart." 

Today's Psalm was perfect and Fr. John spoke about letting go of stress and resentment during his homily.

After Mass, the cutest little old lady played with Cana for a few minutes, making us all belly laugh. Her joy and love for Cana was beyond great! 

As I walked into the lobby, a young man held the door for me and said, "your daughter is just beautiful!" She sure is. How quickly I forget how blessed I am to have her.

And finally, as I dipped my hand into the holy water, a firefighter approached me. He thanked me for being at Mass today, and said it was a joy to hear Cana talking all throughout the Mass. He mentioned that his wife used to struggle as a stay at home mom and on her hard days she would go to Mass and sit in the very front row with her son, just like I did today. He said, "The Church needs you here. And you need to be here. So thank you!" Then, he reached into his coat pocket and handed me a prayer card for families. As I held back tears, he said, "God bless" and walked away. 

When I got into my car I bawled. I couldn't even begin to drive because the tears clouded my eyes. I just sat and cried and mustered out a vocal prayer, "Thank you, God. Thank you." 

I'll say it again and again: motherhood is hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. But God needs me to do it. And I am blessed to be able to! He knows my heart and knows what I need to be the best mother I can be. I need only ask for His mercy and grace. 

Call Me Original: New Years Resolutions

It's New Years Eve so I'm going full on originality here and listing my New Years resolutions. I've never actually made any sort of resolution because of a new year before, but hey, why not start?

Truthfully, I'm making this list because, since becoming a mother, I've felt a little unorganized and (let's be honest here) lazy. Finding purpose in my day to day life is difficult. When I lay my head down every night and I realize I didn't change out of my pajamas or brush my hair, I feel a little useless. I know I work my behind off all day taking care of Cana, but I think every stay at home mother understands that you need a little something else to make you feel like you're a productive member of society (like perhaps actually going out into society for once). Being a mother is rewarding and such a blessing, but holding a baby while watching the Kardashians for hours a day (don't you dare judge me... We all have lows!) doesn't fulfill me. And it shouldn't! So in 2015, I'm making it a point to use my motherhood in a purposeful way. And make sure I find myself laying my head down each night feeling joyful, tired and full. Not lazy, tired and bored. 

So here is my list of resolutions:

I WILL NOT turn on the TV during Cana's first nap of the day. Instead I will pray and read some of the many books we have on our shelves. 

I will stop comparing my mothering to the Pinterest articles and mom bloggers idea of mothering. 

I will stop comparing my baby to the text book perfect baby everyone thinks you can force babies to be. It can't happen. It won't happen. It shouldn't happen.

I will aim to let my husband do more when it comes to parenting, and not stand over his shoulder while he's doing it. He knows how to be a daddy, and he does an amazing job of doing it.

I will take Cana for a walk at least every other day and try to play with her outside more often.

I will take Cana to daily Mass on Wednesdays.

I will take time once a month to go out without Cana and Frankie. I'll do something for myself, hangout with friends or just go for a walk. I need to allow myself to be alone and not feel guilty for it.

I will (try) to help my daughter sleep better on her own. But I also need to understand that it might take some time... She's little and is learning. Give her time, mama. 

I will make more of an effort to pray with my husband at dinner each night. It's so easy to forget prayer and to just complain about our days. That only leads to more stress. Prayer needs to come first!

I will make time for my husband and I to get away and talk. And I won't stress or talk about Cana. He needs his wife, not just the mother of his child. 

There it is. The first resolution list I've ever made. It feels daunting, but very practical. And I know it will leave me feeling more purposeful at the end of each day. 

Saint Therese, pray for me!

Child Like Joy

The last few days have been a whirlwind when it comes to my personal prayer and my family's prayer. God has definitely called us to a deeper spiritual life after a bit of a hiatus due to the crazy transition into parenthood. 

One thing I've been praying a lot into is child-like faith and joy (Obviously, because I spend my entire day with a child). Cana has recently learned to laugh and it's the most joyful thing I may have ever witnessed. Even better though, is that she will instantly laugh when she sees a crucifix. Yep. You can make all the funny faces and silly sounds in the world and mayyyybe get a giggle, but place Jesus on the cross in her gaze and you've got the happiest babe in the land. 

This morning, while I was doing morning prayer with Cana on my lap, I noticed she was laughing at the crucifix above our bed (like she does every morning after breakfast). I started thinking about her joy and what it means in a relationship with Christ. 

Multiple times in the Gospel, Jesus mentions children and His love for them. We learn that we must rely on Christ like a child relies on their mother and that Heaven is a place of children. A place of child-like joy and faith. 

My daughter has that Heavenly joy and faith. Although, she is barely two months old, her little baptized heart knows where her joy stems from. She knows love when she sees it! And as a mother, I couldn't be more proud and inspired. 

From the moment I found out I was pregant, this little girl has been teaching me and guiding me toward holiness (possibly more than I've done for her) and her daily jokes with Jesus are continuing to show me the path to Heaven. 

Motherhood is hard, but it's also hilarious. Thanks, Cana Marie!