Dare I Say it: We're Ready for You!

After months of preparing physically, mentally, and spiritually, I finally feel ready. Now, I know I'm not. No one really ever can be ready for the life altering event that birthing a child is, but as far as I can fathom it, I feel ready.

One of the things that has made me feel unprepared for so long has been waiting for our move to Denver.  It was sad to leave Greeley though; the place we shared so many firsts. The first place I lived on my own. The place we got engaged. The place we were married. The place we conceived and grew our sweet little girl! On the other hand, moving into our new home has made the upcoming arrival of our girl even more life changing. It would be easy to feel even more unprepared, but I know God works in big ways. He's proven that time and time again.

Before I left Arizona two years ago, to move here to Colorado to be near Frankie, a good friend of mine pointed out to me something so reassuring. He said, "Nothing big ever happens to someone in the Bible until God physically moves them first." How true those words are! Two years ago, my friend, Mark, said these words to reassure me that God had big plans for my move to Colorado (he was definitely hinting at marriage), and now, these words ring in my mind as I wait for the birth of my first child.

Three years ago, God moved me to Tepeyac, a dusty camp in the Prescott mountains where I met and served on mission with Frankie. Two years ago, God moved me to Colorado to pursue a relationship with Frankie. Eight months ago, the Lord moved me into an old apartment where Frankie and I began our marriage. And two days ago, God moved me to Denver where Frankie and I will welcome our daughter, Cana Marie.

So much has changed in the last few years, but in the midst of all the moving and changing, God has always provided. He's proven, time and time again, that He has big plans for us, if only we are willing to move within His will.

Ready when you are, sweet girl!

The Perfect Thunder

Last night, I laid quietly in a hospital bed, your father sitting just as quietly next to me. An itchy gown covered my body and a little belt was strapped to my belly. The room was dull, the nurse was tired and nothing was comfortable.

I laid staring directly at the ticking hands of the clock, waiting for the doctor to come in, for the next contraction to hit and for some answer as to why I was in that bed with such a heavy heart. You were 34 weeks, not yet ready for this big world. I desperately pleaded for God to keep you within me. Just two more weeks, I begged. 

As the clock ticked away, the little belt on my belly reported the most precious sound. Through the silence of the room came the most perfect thunder. Your heart. Fast and strong, mixed with the intermittent kicks and stretches of your little limbs. I closed my eyes and found myself being lulled into comfort by the only sound you currently know how to make. How funny it felt to be cared for and comforted by you, someone so small and in need of so much care yourself. 

In that hospital bed, listening to your heart pierce through every bit of fear I had, I felt helpless; yet blessed beyond measure to be able to know you so intimately. Blessed to know that I have been gifted with a daughter who knows me so intimately and who knows exactly how to love me already. 

At that point, as the clock ticked away, as two new parents sat silently listening to the comforting beat of a little girl's heart, we knew. The Lord had a plan; a perfect plan for that sweet thunderous heart. And no matter when He planned for you to enter this world, we knew it'd be ok, because you were the strongest little girl we knew. Certainly stronger and braver than the two people who created you. 

When the doctor entered the room with the news that we wouldn't be meeting you that night, we sighed with relief. The answer as to why I laid in that hospital bed with a heavy heart had arrived; a simple infection, easily treated, was the culprit. We later left that uncomfortable hospital room, headed for home, with a prescription for antibiotics and hearts full of peace. Never have I been more thankful for such a simple lesson: the Lord is merciful and His will is perfect. 

Last night, I settled quietly into bed, your father quietly laying next to me. Our cozy comforter covered my body and my hand laid upon my belly. The room was dark, we were tired, and everything was perfect. 

We may not have met you on the night of July 14th, but we certainly settled into the understanding of our desperate need for God's grace and our intense love for the thunderous girl we know will one day change the world. 

Goodnight, sweet girl. 

A Mothers Sacrifice

When I first learned I was pregnant, I found a book about the journey of pregnancy alongside Mary. I loved the idea of being pregnant and knowing that Mary, too, carried a child. After all, who doesn't want to be more like the mother of Christ?

However, after a few weeks, when I began to feel morning sickness and completely exhausted at all hours of the day, uniting my struggles with Mary began to be a bit of a struggle. Knowing Mary was conceived without sin means that she didn't have original sin. Part of original sin is definitely the pains of labor given to Eve by God (Genesis 3:16). Here I was in pain, discomfort and thinking of the intense suffering of labor to come; and there was Mary, with the most perfect pregnancy ever. In my head, all I could think was: that's so not fair! Clearly, I was letting my imperfections distance me from Mary and her perfection, especially in pregnancy.

However, I quickly realized that my suffering and discomfort and eventual labor pains can definitely be shared with Christ. Sure he never gave birth, and definitely had no original sin/sin of any kind, but Jesus delt with far more suffering than I could ever imagine. And what really brings me courage is the fact that He gave His body for the sake of us! The pain His body and heart endured was directly out of love for others. Isn't that what pregnancy and giving birth is all about? Sacrificing my body and comfort for the sake of my child, so she can have life!

Letting the idea of sacrifice really sink in is what has helped me make it through days of intense Braxton Hicks contractions, weeks of throwing up, and months of pure exhaustion. Without this understanding, my entire pregnancy would feel pointless and miserable. A nine month long journey of pain and discomfort, with no purpose. Praise God that's not the case! It has been very tempting to pray for God to take away my suffering and make things easier, but what would the cross mean if it wasn't hard? What would Jesus' death mean if He didn't suffer? What would motherhood mean if it didn't require sacrifice?



As I get ever closer to meeting you face to face, I pray that I might further understand the purpose of my suffering for you, sweet Cana Marie. I pray that after you are born I will continue to sacrifice for your salvation. I pray that I never forget how important the sacrifice of a mother is for her children. And I pray you might learn to know that my sacrifice is always out of love for you. But more importantly, that my love flows from the love of Jesus Christ and the greatest sacrifice of all: The Cross.

Amen.