Thursday, September 25, 2014

Lessons from a Leaf Blower

Motherhood has been everything yet nothing of what I expected it would be. I thought I'd come home from the hospital, put my girl in her bassinet and she'd sleep. Wrong. She hates it with a burning passion. I thought bath time would be hell on earth. Wrong. Homegirl loves the spa! I thought I'd be tired out of my mind and bored at home all day with a crying baby. Wrong. I get adequate sleep and days go so quickly with my sweet girl.


I should have known. I'm a planner and organizer and I thrive on knowing everything before it happens (so naturally my life is never stress free). Before Cana was born I spent months researching the best ways to do everything for baby. Sleep, feed, play, etc. I planned on doing things in certain ways, while also trusting that my baby would help me know what she needed.

I've succeeded in some sense. The baby telling me what she needs part. At this point, everything I planned on doing seems to have gone out the window, because I just don't have "that" baby. You know, the Pinterest perfect baby that loves to be swaddled and sleeps/eats/plays on the perfect Babywise schedule. Not my kid. She will hold her breath in a silent cry until her entire body is as red as a cherry if you restrict her from placing those precious hands near her face. And she will eat for forty minutes on each side with mini naps in between. Why? Because she can. She has mama wrapped around her fingers. And disagree if you will, but she needs that right now.

My two and a half week old baby girl is in one of the most stressful times of her life and by golly, I trust her when she tells me she needs an extra long nap or a marathon dinner. She knows. Far better than I do. She proves it to me on the daily.

Case in point: I spent over an hour trying to get her to take her mid morning nap today. I turned off the lights, rocked her, even paused my millionth episode of Parenthood to keep it quiet! She faught me like a pro. Then come the leaf blowers right outside our window. I wanted to murder them, for how would my child sleep through such crazy noise?! Ha... She fell right asleep.

Looks like we are investing in a leaf blower and less time on Pinterest.
For now.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Sweet Slumber

Having a baby means sleep habits change. Dramatically!
The first night in the hospital with Cana was les Mis! She slept about 30 minute chunks and wanted to nurse for EVER in between her cat naps. Frankie and I were pretty terrified that we were in for a rough run. However, by the grace of God, the next night (and almost every night since) when we got home, Cana slept four hours straight, woke up to eat and then slept another two hours. She's been pretty consistent in her sleeping lengths and we are so grateful!

Although, I'm grateful for her length of sleeping times, I'm struggling with her pure hatred for sleeping anywhere but my arms. Sometimes she'll sleep with her daddy or another comforting visitor, but rarely does she sleep away from a warm body. My shoulders are tight as can be after two weeks of sleeping hunched over (but it's so worth it)!


The one exception to the warm body rule is the car seat! My goodness do we have a girl who is madly in love with transportation! She falls asleep in the car seat before we even make it down to the car from our apartment and praise Jesus, she stays asleep for a very long time! Because of her love for sleeping propped up in a bouncing vehicle, we decided to buy a vibrating bouncer this weekend. I hoped (with all the optimism in the world) that I'd lay her in it for the first time and she would pass right out. Ha! No amount of optimism could make my life that easy though! She screamed until I caved (nearly a whole 30 seconds later) and rocked her to sleep in my arms... However, once she is asleep, I've begun placing her in the swing or bouncer in hopes that she won't notice my trickery and stay sleeping. So far it's worked a (very small baby sized) hand full of times and I'm ok with that. Baby steps!

As much as my shoulders hurt. As tired as I am. As cold as my shoulders get at night from not being covered by a blanket, it's worth it.

I am in no rush to get my baby to sleep in some other vessel. She slept within my womb for nine months and I can't believe how much I miss holding her constantly. I know a time will come when she won't want to snuggle with her mommy. She will one day be able to fall asleep on her own, in her big girl bed, in her own room and won't need her mommy. So until then, I'll take the hunched shoulders and cold nights. I'll receive them gladly. Because my baby is only a baby for so long. She's already changing so much and I refuse to complain about anything that will eventually vanish from her routine.

So, little sleeper, snuggle close. Breathe me in and know I am here. Loving every moment of these nights with you.



Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Birth of Cana Marie



When I found out I was pregnant, I began reading countless womens birth stories online. I became a bit of a junkie. And I'm not ashamed to admit how much they made me cry... Hormones, right? So now, as I think about writing Cana's birth story, you know I'm a hot mess of emotion. Just thinking about the hours days leading up to her birth, I can't help but find tears in my eyes. It was an amazing and life changing time; and although no one else could ever read this and feel the way I do, I'm still going to type it all out. So here we go!

When we began thinking about the type of birth we wanted to have (emphasis on thinking not planning), Frankie and I decided that we wanted to try and do things as naturally as possible. We read up on how the woman's body was uniquely created to grow and birth a child and trusted that my body was capable of natural child birth. We never swore off medical intervention completely, because we know it is very much needed sometimes. However, we wanted to enter into the process with courage and trust in Gods plan for my body.

When I went in for my 41 week appointment, my midwife (who was amazing and knew our wishes for birth) suggested that we schedule a day to be induced. Going much more overdue didn't sound safe to her and so we scheduled our induction for Friday, September 5th at 8pm. 41 weeks and 3 days.

I prayed for days that I'd go into labor on my own, but Friday night came and so we made our way to the hospital (after a quick dinner at chipotle, per daddy's request).

Once we checked in, we met our nurse and the midwife on duty and discussed our options for induction. Because we hadn't ever thought about being induced, neither Frankie or I knew much about the process. Come to find out, there were three options available to us. I could have pitocin, which would cause me to contract and dilate pretty intensely and I'd need constant fetal monitoring. I could have a balloon inserted into my cervix to slowly help it dilate. Or I could take a little pill called cytotec that would more naturally ripen my cervix, and slowly start contractions. We immediately said no to the pitocin, knowing it has some pretty unfavorable side effects and sorry, but the balloon in my cervix sounded just about horrid. Definitely NO. So we went with the Cytotec.

After receiving my first dose, we were told it could take hours to begin producing signs of labor. We decided to try and sleep and trust things would get kick started by morning. Correct we were.

After a kind-of-sleepless night (nurses, beeping sounds, uncomfortable bed, etc), I woke up with some pretty solid contractions. YAY! When the midwife came in to check on me, she said I was still only 1cm... Booooo! However, I was feeling contractions and so I gathered all of my patience and enjoyed my hospital French toast (highly recommended).

After visits from Frankie's mom, sister, dad, step mom, and my parents (who were all totally not impatient or excited in any way... Lol), my contractions were getting worse. Stronger. Longer. Closer. Les Mis. I was a "champ" though and focused on walking, bouncing on a birthing ball (which my legs were totally too long for), bathing in the spa like tub (legs also too long), and of course, eating more free hospital food (club sandwich, highly recommended).

By Saturday afternoon, I was ready for guest to vanish. There's something about moaning in horrible waves of pain that makes you want a little privacy. Shocker. Thankfully, we have amazing family and they totally knew when to give us our space. Just in time. Because a few hours (minutes? Hour? I have no idea) later things got really intense when I was introduced to the lovely demon known as pitocin.

I decided to sit in the tub again, because seriously.... Water + contractions = very slight relief. But it was better than bed. However, things began to get a lot stronger and I was massively overheating in the lava water, so I got out and laid back in bed. Never to leave again...

It feels like seconds after I laid in the bed, the nurse and midwife rushed in. Things may have been a lot calmer than I describe, but it seemed to me like all hell broke loose. In between some severe contractions that were only about 30 seconds apart, I remember having an oxygen mask shoved on my face and worrying only about the state of my earrings that were falling out because of the shoving. Priorities, folks... I tried ripping the darn mask off, but my attempts were futile. The midwife informed us that they were having trouble tracking my contractions and baby's heart rate was struggling every time I contracted. Suddenly, my earrings were the last thing on my mind. I began to cry and stress out that my sweet baby was in terrible trouble.

When the midwife first checked me earlier that morning, we discovered that Cana was posterior (face up) and that my cervix was fully posterior as well (totally behind the baby's head, instead of straight down). Because of this, I had horrible back labor and wasn't dilating even with the cytotec. After the oxygen mask fuss, our midwife needed to check me again. Because of the position of my cervix, being checked was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I cried and begged her to stop the entire time. I do not joke when I say cervical checks were the most painful part of my entire labor and delivery! When she was done, she said I was only 2.5 cm dilated (after almost 15 hours of labor, everyone was pissed). Because of the intensity of my contractions, but no progress in dilation, we had to wait a few hours to see if I was able to receive more pitocin or cytotec (too strong of contractions could be very negative for baby, as we already had seen). So we waited. And I felt like death. Dreading the thought of more pitocin...

I don't remember much of the next few hours because the contractions seemed non stop and nothing else was happening. I do remember, however, thinking so intensely about a c-section. I almost begged God to allow something to happen that would require me to have an emergency c-section (the only reason our hospital would preform one). I felt defeated. I kept everything to myself, because it felt if I mentioned an epidural or pain medication, I would be a failure. After all, wasn't my body made for this? I felt like a wuss... Thanks, devil.

Eventually, the nurse came back in and said my contractions had spaced out enough, and baby's heart rate was doing a little better, so they wanted to start me on another dose of pitocin, this time, twice as much. Oh. Hell. No.

I cried and began shaking uncontrollably. I was as exhausted as they come and felt so defeated. I whispered to Frankie, "What if I get the pain medicine?" (The nurse offered an IV narcotic to try that wasn't as extensive as an epidural). He reminded me that I was brave and strong and that it didn't matter how our little girl entered the world, as long as she was healthy and I was healthy. Together we prayed and finally I was able to understand that getting pain medication wasn't the end of the world! So in came the IV meds and they helped enough to just barely take the edge off of my contractions. I was able to relax in between each contraction and actually calmed my mind and heart a bit. Praise God!

After some time (I had no concept of time at this point), the drugs wore off and the pitocin was about to begin again. I was in intense pain again and still so terrified of the pitocin that, again I whispered to my sweet husband... "What if I get the epidural? Am I a failure?" Again, he encouraged me, we prayed and we talked with our midwife about the last 24 hours. After hearing Frankie and our midwife re-tell the events of my labor (induction, posterior baby, posterior cervix, slow dilation, prodromal labor, struggling baby, feverish mama, lack of sleep, contractions almost on top of each other for more than 15 hours, etc) I realized I wasn't a failure (especially since there's no such thing as a failure when it comes to birthing a baby! Every way is still ridiculously hard, let's be real). I'd been through hell and there was no way anyone could say I didn't experience "natural labor." Sure I wouldn't have a natural birth, but I was satisfied knowing I experienced a very large portion of my labor naturally. My pride was satisfied... Bring on the epidural (and another round of narcotics while we wait, if you don't mind)!

Once the epi-dude came in and I knew relief was moments away, my entire body began to relax. Again, because we hadn't planned on getting an epidural, we knew not of what it entailed. The epi-dude (seriously, it's an official term guys) explained the process to us as he began hooking me up to the good stuff. I was very surprised that nothing about getting the epidural hurt and I was very, very pleased to learn that I would still have control over my legs! Being able to change position in bed and lift my legs enough to push made me feel like I still had some control over the delivery process.

Now, as upset as I initially was about getting an epidural, it was seriously God's gift to me! Not because I didn't feel [as much] pain, but because I got to experience the birth of my daughter in a very aware and calm state of mind. It was such a gift!

Once the epidural kicked in, I actually SLEPT! Miracle of miracles, folks! And while I slept, I was gifted with something even more amazing: dilation! I went from about 2cm pre-epidural to 9.5cm in just about three, sleepy hours! No wonder I woke up feeling like the epidural had stopped working! We called the midwife in to check on me and when she announced I was almost ready to push, Frankie got on the phone to alert our family. It was about 4am and shift change would be at 7! We told Claudia, our midwife that she was not allowed to leave until we had this baby. She highly agreed.

For the next hour, we got things ready (well, everyone else did, I just laid there) and around 5, Claudia came in with a new nurse (thank God because the one we had was not the kindest of ladies... Lol) and we began to push!!!

I'm going to bare it all here and share a bit of delivery room humor with you. When I began pushing, Claudia explained that I should push as if I was having a bowl movement. So I pushed. Hard! Claudia then said, "wow that was amazing! Are you sure this is your first baby?" To which my delirious self replied, "Well I do poop a lot..." Ha. Ha. Ha. No shame.

Any way... As I kept pushing, eventually her head appeared! Frankie actually took a peak and instead of looking disgusted like we both thought, he beamed with joy and when Claudia offered to get a mirror for me to see, Frankie highly encouraged it! I was super hesitant, but after plenty of urging, I caved. Boy am I glad I did. Do you know how encouraging it was to see the progress my pushing was making? How amazing it was to see my little girls full head of hair? How insane my heart felt knowing she was just a few inches from being out of my womb and into my arms? Incredible.

As I was pushing I remember feeling so excited, yet not at all in a rush. Although it was incredibly hard, I cherished every push. I didn't mind that I had to push for over an hour, because that hour felt utterly perfect. I can't say for sure, but I truly feel that if I did not have the epidural, that magical hour of pushing would have instead been a blur (and possible torture). Seriously, God knew what I needed.

Finally, I looked in the mirror one last time, and pushed. She was here! In an instant I had a slimy girl on my chest, a crying husband at my side and a love so intense filling every cell of my body.

Cana Marie Xavier, born September 7th 2014 at 6:11am.  

Praise be to God. 




Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Dinner Date



Minutes after Cana was born, as she lay naked and slimy on my chest, I watched her begin to root around and search for her first meal. If anyone doubts she's like her father, doubt no more! She loves her food just like papa!

I was so excited to begin the journey of breastfeeding and tried to prepare myself as best as I could before she was born. I read and watched and researched all I possibly could. I prepared for pain but was determined to get a perfect latch right away that I didn't think too much about it.

The first feed went well, or so I thought. I was riding the high of birthing my first baby and didn't care or notice that little miss was eating alllllll wrong. I paid for it. But as we made our way to recovery and met with a lactation consultant, we fixed her latch and everything looked good. Emphasis on look. Not feel.

A few days after getting home from the hospital I began dreading breastfeeding. I was in so much pain and felt like I was doing it all wrong (I was). I was tempted to quit. Tempted to resort to pumping exclusively. Tempted to cry like a big, unfed baby! But, my very encouraging husband reminded me how important this was for our girl. And reminded me that my pain had purpose. Isn't he the best? Answer: yes!

So I researched some more, made an appointment with a lactation consultant and changed my entire mentality. As soon as I did those things, everything changed (sans the pain). I began to enjoy the moments of endless and excruciating pain because looking at the face of my daughter, in her perfect peace, was worth it. I now find so much joy in the limp limbs of my chugging girl and laugh every time I burp her. Because how can you not when your newborn looks like a drunken sailor (pirate eye and all)?

I can't help but love feeling her warm body against mine and knowing that I am still her source. I am still, despite the lack of umbilical cord, the one she relies on for almost everything. I'm her mama and she needs me. There's no better relief for pain than knowing that.

Today, after meeting with a lactation consultant, we found out that Cana has a short tongue connector (official medical term...) and it is preventing her from getting a good latch and enough milk at each feeding. At last, the source of the pain! Although, I'm dreading taking her to get it snipped (without any numbing meds), I know it will be so worth it in the long run for us both.

Pray for us? Gracias.

Monday, September 15, 2014

She's Here!

Welcome to the world Cana Marie Xavier!
September 7th at 6:11am will never be just another moment in time! Forever, I will remember it as the moment you were laid upon my chest after a 24+ hour, insane labor.

You were worth every bit of pain and every second of sleep I've missed since I went into labor.

I love you, sweet girl. Now, how about a nap?


Friday, September 5, 2014

Today's THE Day!

Today's the day, sweet girl! Tonight, at 8pm (if all goes as "planned"), we will check into labor and delivery to be induced. You're already proving to be a stubborn one, but oddly, I'm ok with it.

Knowing that the wait to see your face is almost over is one of the most insane feelings I've ever experienced. Being able to put a countdown on your birth is a whole new level of crazy!

I keep looking around the house, trying to clean, get things organized and perfectly ready for you to be welcomed home. I even did my hair! You've been with me constantly for nine months, so you know how rare that is! Be proud of your mama!

However, as I keep staring at the clock, counting down the hours until we head to the hospital, I feel so insanely unprepared. For nine months (heck, my whole life), I never ever feared or doubted my ability to be a mother. I never imagined myself as a perfect mother, but I always felt confident that mothering is something God has planned for me to do successfully (if that's a thing). Now though, as I'm mere hours away from holding you in my arms, I'm full of doubt... Not doubt that I won't be able to take care of you, feed you, or raise you. No.

This doubt is that I won't be able to do the most important thing a mother is supposed to do: lead you toward Heaven.

If I'm being honest here, I haven't done the best job of praying for you these last nine months. Heck, I have hardly even prayed in general. But from the moment you're born, I know that won't cut it anymore. This world is big and wild and so incredibly hard to navigate without eyes fixed toward Heaven. As your mother, I know it is my job to help you see the beauty of Heaven on a daily basis. It is my job to help you know what and Who you were created for. It is my job to cover you in prayer and beg God, daily, to consume you with His burning Love. And this is where I doubt myself... I doubt because my track record for doing these things for myself, my family, my spouse and the world in general isn't good. At all. In fact, I'm about in last place. Proven to forget and fail.

So, my dear Cana Marie, forgive me. Be patient with me. And always remind me, with every smile, cry, and dirty diaper, how lucky I am to be given such a big responsibility. Remind me that although I'm not that great at this holy thing, God gave you to me for a reason. And with eyes fixed upon Him, I can and will be able to shove the doubt aside and do my job as a mother. As your mother.

I promise I'll try until the day I die. Because that's what you deserve, and that's why I've been given the perfect and beautiful gift of you.

Happy birthday, Cana Marie Xavier (today or tomorrow).
I can't wait to see you change the world!