I sat in the living room at 10 o'clock at night, holding a squirming child and I was gone. I was totally frozen. Four months of stress, lack of sleep and a high needs baby (read the link, it's a perfect description of Cana) led to me just giving up. I couldn't rock her. I couldn't play with her. I couldn't talk to my poor, confused husband... I couldn't even cry.
It was scary. I've never really shut down that way before.
As I finally went to bed, I mustered out a vocal prayer, "Please, God. Please."
Today was so different. I woke up not knowing how to feel, but my little lady was all smiles, so it was hard to not feel instant joy. Then she slept. For two and a half hours, peacefully in my arms. That sounds horrible to some people, but with my girl, I don't care where she sleeps as long as she does for more than a few minutes!
After her nap, I knew I needed to go to Mass. We needed it. And praise God we went.
"Do not harden your heart."
Today's Psalm was perfect and Fr. John spoke about letting go of stress and resentment during his homily.
After Mass, the cutest little old lady played with Cana for a few minutes, making us all belly laugh. Her joy and love for Cana was beyond great!
As I walked into the lobby, a young man held the door for me and said, "your daughter is just beautiful!" She sure is. How quickly I forget how blessed I am to have her.
And finally, as I dipped my hand into the holy water, a firefighter approached me. He thanked me for being at Mass today, and said it was a joy to hear Cana talking all throughout the Mass. He mentioned that his wife used to struggle as a stay at home mom and on her hard days she would go to Mass and sit in the very front row with her son, just like I did today. He said, "The Church needs you here. And you need to be here. So thank you!" Then, he reached into his coat pocket and handed me a prayer card for families. As I held back tears, he said, "God bless" and walked away.
When I got into my car I bawled. I couldn't even begin to drive because the tears clouded my eyes. I just sat and cried and mustered out a vocal prayer, "Thank you, God. Thank you."
I'll say it again and again: motherhood is hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. But God needs me to do it. And I am blessed to be able to! He knows my heart and knows what I need to be the best mother I can be. I need only ask for His mercy and grace.
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